COOOOOBRAAAAAA!

So, it's been a while since I've lived up to my unofficial title as the unofficial keeper and bearer of all tidings G.I. Joe movie related.

Tonight, I break that slump.

The MTV Movies Blog - a surprisingly decent source of movie scoops - had an article up today talking about Cobra Commander and what we can expect to see out of this notorious villain when he hits the silver screen next year. Here's a few excerpts I found interesting:

Producer Lorenzo di Bonaventura on CC's origin:

“As we see it, he’s a very twisted character. As the backstory evolves, you discover why his personality [is like that]. I thought what was great in ‘The Dark Knight’ was that Heath kept telling you different stories [about his past] so you never knew what it was, and they were all spooky and crazy. [In our film] you get to see it, and you get to understand what’s happened to this guy.”

Blah. What he kinda fails to see in this comparison is that the fact that we didn't ever find out The Joker's true origin story is what made it so cool. It was that sense of mystery and intrigue that added to the enjoyment of it because we knew he was fucked up - we just didn't know why. The same likely should hold true for Cobra Commander. He's an evil psychopath with an army of terrorists at his disposal - do we really need to know why? Especially since it's going to tie in with this backstory they've created about CC and Duke being former BFFs.

Bonaventura on the voice:

While it won’t exactly match the classic high-pitched wail from the show, the producer says Gordon-Levitt will leave his own vocal stamp on Cobra Commander. “He has an interesting voice. He definitely has a take-off on that. I actually found the voice a little weak in the show…I’m sure I’ll get killed for saying that. I don’t know, it always seemed kind of silly. Hopefully we’re going to be a little more menacing.”

Blah. Okay, okay - the cartoon voice is over the top. It was supposed to be. I get the point of trying to make it more menacing. That's fine. But do you really want to start insulting the source material when most fans already think you're planning to drop a giant deuce right on top of it anyways?

And lastly - and most frightening - the mask:

“We’ll see Cobra Commander in the Cobra mask [but] it will not be like the show,” said di Bonaventura, who also promised they aren’t going to the comics for that one either. “I found some of the [mask] aspects a little KKK for me,” he said, “so we tried to steer away from that image. We thought that might be a little much.”

Blah. This guy's a fucking toolbox. It's too KKK? Are you serious? A blue mask with a cobra symbol on it? By the way, that guy under the mask is a terrorist bent on world domination - not the elimination of Roadblock and Stalker. So, no fabric mask. No helmet mask. They made their own mask is what they're trying to break gently to us.

And that's that. Once again, another set of news about the G.I. Joe movie that I just can't find a way to look positively on. I soooooo hope I'm wrong but I'm worried still.

They'll Fight For Freedom Wherever There's Trouble... Invisible Apparently

I tried, guys... you know I tried.

This morning before I start the arduous task of painting our kitchen, I wanted to find some good news about the G.I. Joe movie to share. I feel like I've been in the harbinger of sorrow for that flick for weeks now and it really is/was a movie that I was greatly looking forward to. There had to be some info out there somewhere to make me enthused, right?

Not so much as it turns out.

A site called Firstshowing.net posted their This Is Why You Should Be Excited About the G.I. Joe Movie based off of details from the latest script review. Let's see if I agree.

*** Accelerator Suits - These allow the G.I. Joe squad to "run faster, jump super-high, smash through walls, and shrug off bullets."

Huh? Why, exactly? Did I miss that special edition of G.I. Joe issue #100 where they all became Universal Soldiers with Van Damme and Bill Goldberg? This does not excite me. The Joes were average people with extraordinary abilities. They were not bit by radioactive spiders.

*** Nano-Bombs - A bomb that Cobra Commander is developing that launches a swarm of nanites that eat all non-organic material in the surrounding area including buildings and machinery but none of the people.

I guess this could be kinda cool. It'll be a visually cool scene at least, I'd imagine.

*** Neo-Vipers - A legion of ninja-like super-soldiers that are controlled by Destro that have been enhanced by nanotechnology to not feel any pain or remorse. They were created by a "mad scientist" known as the Doctor. Check out some photos of the old Neo-Viper figures here.

Sigh. Boy, they really like the nano technology stuff, I guess. If the "Doctor" is Dr. Mindbender or Dr. Venom, I lend my tentative support to this plan. Carry on.

*** Destro's Mask - Also created by the same Doctor is a mask made of nanites that Destro wears because his face is disfigured after a fight. This gives Cobra the ability to control his mind.

Boy, they _really_ like the nano technology stuff. I'm SO not enthused by this one. What was wrong with Destro being an international arms dealer who wears the mask out of family tradition because he has a warped sense of honor? Is that really such a difficult character to wrap your brain around? And mind control? Crikey, if you're gonna do mind control - I've got two words for ya - DR. VENOM AND THE FRIGGIN' BRAIN WAVE SCANNER! That might be more than two words.

*** Scarlett's Armor - You've already seen the photo, but apparently that armor allows her to become completely invisible for her missions, or so they say…

Sigh. This is a good thing? Really? I hope on August 9th, 2009, I can eat my words but right now Larry Hama looks like the biggest sell-out ever, brought in to feed the fans lines of crap about how the true fans will enjoy this movie while taking his check to the bank every week and knowing damn well the fans are going to shit a solid gold brick when they see Scarlett turn invisible to fight NANO NINJAS!