Guilty Pleasures

Well, firstly... so much for my "posting every day" pledge. I suck. Sue me. I just need to figure out when to shoehorn a semi-regular posting period into the day... plus need to get my brain in that mindset. It'll happen, dammit.

Second... the challenge was made. After the R&B vs Jazz mixtape showdown, the challenge was thrown down to make a disc of your guilty pleasure tracks.

Admitting your guilty pleasures is a very interesting concept. You're exposing yourself to rampant embarassment and humiliation... while at the same time it's a little bit "cleansing." Very interesting indeed.

And so... this CD is made. The criteria was this: It had to be a song that if someone you barely knew picked up your iPod and heard, you'd probably try to blame someone else for it. Oh, and at B's insistance, I had to ban TV Theme songs and wrestling themes from the disc. Makes sense, right?

Now, the most horrifying thing is when you go through your music library to find these things and realize that about 25% of it are somewhat guilty pleasures. But after hard work and dedication... I've narrowed it down to one disc.

Here we go...

1] "Everything" - FeFe Dobson
See... some of these can be blamed on B quite easily. She gets these catchy little poppy songs, tosses them on the iBook, I stumble across them while playing stuff at random and get it stuck in my head. Why is this embarassing? Well, it's a little po song! And she says things like, "Ay oh." Snappy little pop love songs are quite entertaining though. The lyrics in this one are fairly silly and sappy and kinda remind me of an Ashlee Simpson song that we once discovered was the absolute worst lyrics in the history of the music industry. This is the vein of something like "Sometimes" by Britney Spears. Shiny, happy, sappy. A tale of a man not ready to commit and the woman dying a little inside each moment that he can't. *tear*

2] "You're The Best" - Bill Conti
I have a hard time naming this as a guilty pleasure. Find me a guy my age who didn't love this song after seeing Karate Kid and you've found an empty shell of a human being. Maybe not even a human being. Maybe a Scientologist! A story of ultimate triumph... of the struggle versus evil... of overcoming the odds that we all face! It's an inspirational piece to be sure. But... the look on people's faces when they hear it? That puts it in the guilty pleasure category. I'd say it makes me feel sorry for those people but we do not train to be merciful here... mercy is for the weak.

3] "Lady Of My Heart" - Jack Wagner
To truly make you understand this... I must reveal another very guilty pleasure.

I'm a soap opera fan.

*cringe*

Okay, okay... let me explain. I was brought up watching them. It's not my fault! It's one of the hazards of growing up in a house filled with women! So, anyways... since my very early days, I remember watching General Hospital. And although I'm not currently watching it... you know it's always coming again. I tend to watch religiously for a period... then stop... then start again at some point. And with the return of Robert Scorpio and Holly and... well, I'm just making a fool of myself now. Suffice to say that I'm sure I'll be tuning in religiously again very soon.

Back to the music. For any General Hospital fan, you know they're famous for their supercouples. Whether it's Luke and Laura, Robert and Holly, Robert and Ana... or Frisco and Felicia... they make that show go 'round. This was Frisco and Felicia's love song and as a GH geek, it'll never leave my brain.

And you may mock me...

...now.


4] "How Do I Deal" - Jennifer Love Hewitt
If you have to ask why this is a guilty pleasure, you must not know who the Ghost Whisperer is! I believe this is from the "I Still Know..." soundtrack but if I remember right, it only played during the credits. I'm not sure what the obsession is of TV/movie stars of trying to make it in the music industry but... well, this one worked. I think there must be some kind of warped ego thing that makes musicians long to be TV/movie stars and vice versa. It'd probably make one hell of a thesis paper actually. Erm... well... this is a poppy love song. So, I'm guilty as a Catholic in... well... just a Catholic period generally. Catholic joke on Easter! Yes! I'm so going somewhere warm and toasty. The original J-Lo has a nice little pop song here that anyone who can get past the fact that she's a failed movie star and musician now barely clinging to a CBS TV show will enjoy.

5] "Leave (Get Out)" - JoJo
We definitely get to blame this one on B. I would never listen to anything by anyone named JoJo if it wasn't shoved into my ear where it got stuck in the waxy buildup. I think the secret formula to a hit pop [or rap] song these days is: "catchy hook" + "decent beat" = $$$$. I'm a musical genius. I missed my calling as the man who scours the earth to find young innocent girls to sully and shove into tight spandex for 13 year olds to burst into puberty to. All A&R guys probably dream of finding someone who'll change the music world... but they should just be shooting to find someone to make little boys shoot. Money, baby. Oh, and I think this girl is 14 or something... which makes this even dirtier. Like when lil' Christina was telling us to rub her the right way. You dirty little minx.

6] "The Old Songs" - Barry Manilow
I fought with myself to put this here. I'm a very proudly admitted Barry Manilow fan. I'm a sucker for the sappy pop that he used to put out in the 70s and 80s... not so much his attempts to stay relevant by covering songs from the 50s now. I'd prefer more poppy greatness like this. How many songs _really_ tell you a story anymore? This is how a love song should be written. Ol' Barry weaves a brilliant tale of a couple on the rocks... the man desperately hoping that he can rebuild that relationship through the joy of music. Music makes the world go 'round. It builds us up and tears us asunder but if there's always the hope that those old songs will bring love back into your heart, it can't be as bad as we're thinking it is. Christ, that was corny but dammit, it's Barry Manilow! He's so much more than Mandy and Copacabana! OPEN YOUR MINDS AND HEARTS, PEOPLE!

7] "Invisible" - Clay Aiken
The thing about this one is... you really could plug any American Idol winner into this slot. I mean, I've got Kelly Clarkson songs I'm embarassed to like... I've got Diana DeGarmo songs I'm ashamed to listen to [you should see my Top 25].. Bo Bice.. Carrie Underwood... you name it. But Clay Aiken takes this spot because it's just wrong. It's just wrong that weasely little fuck can stick in my brain like this. It's a sign that I've done a lot wrong in my life, I think. Karma's a bitch and so is Clay Aiken. Did you ever hear the story about him at Christmas last year with this little school choir? The rumor was that he had hired the choir to perform with him somewhere with a promise to make a donation to the school, pose for pictures with them, hang out for a bit and shoot the shit, etc. Come showday, he ignored the kids, refused to sign autographs, and handed over a pay envelope that was ultimately empty. SOME AMERICAN IDOL! There's a reason Ruben won, you skinny piece of- anyways... this guy is apparently a world-class cock and yet... his damn little pop song is stuck in my brain. Also, I think this song just might be about stalking and sexual assault. "If I was invisible, then I could just watch you in your room. If I was invisible, I'd make you mine tonight." Pervy lil' fuck.

8] "The More You Ignore Me" - Morrissey
Sigh. I really hate having this one here. For years, I've held firm to my hatred of all things Smiths and Morrissey. Not because I have issues with him being a celibate bisexual. Who he wants to fuck... or in this case, doesn't want to... if perfectly fine with me. But he's so damn whiny! Men shouldn't cry like that in music! But... but... now, it must be told. As a high schooler...

...I had this single.

And that's all I will say about this... ever... again.

9] "Come Clean" - Hilary Duff
What the hell is wrong with me?! WHY DO I LOVE POP PRINCESSES?! This one I can blame on wrestling. I was at an indy show where someone used this music as an intro as a joke kinda. Somehow, it got stuck in my head and won't leave. This is one of those songs you know you should skip when it comes up on the random... but somehow can't bring yourself to hit the button. "It's just a few minutes... it'll be over soon... it'll all be okay." Beat + Hook = Money. Works every time. Someone front me the cash to start a record company! I'm onto something here!

10] "With You" - Jessica Simpson
FUCK! FUCKING FUCKITY FUCK! WHY?! Well, Miss Daisy Duke herself appears here after crushing Nick Lachey's heart and soul. Did she really dump him for the guy from Jackass? I'm secretly hoping it was something far more sordid. Maybe a drunken tryst with Jess and Ashlee... an a2m gone very, very wrong... a Dirty Sanchez on the wrong sister. There must be more to it. They seemed so happy together! HE WAITED TIL THEY WERE MARRIED! THAT'S TRUE LOVE, DAMMIT! Maybe she stumbled upon him and the rest of 98 Degrees trying to make the next Creed/Kid Rock video. Oh, and this is the video where she pokes fun at herself for being the dumbest blond on TV since Christmas Snow herself. Cheers, Jess. Enjoy your singledom. Go see if you can get the Lakers to run a pre-game train on you as part of Phil's Playoff Zen Strategy. To cleanse the mind, one must cleanse their- well... you get the idea. Oh, the song? I like it. Kill me.

11] "Think of Laura" - Christopher Cross
Annnnnnd... let's go back to the GH obsession. If you were a GH fan in the 80's, Luke and Laura were your damn world. Your lives revolved around their lives. And when Laura vanished into the mist of the docks one night presumably to die at the hands of David Grey. So, years later when Luke was about to become the mayor of Port Charles when a mysterious lady started appearing in GH and following him around? Your heart was aflutter. And then? The capper? This damn song! This song they'd play everytime someone would mention Laura! My god, your heart must be made of stone if you didn't get teary-eyed, you cynical fucks.

12] "Rush Rush" - Paula Abdul
To this day, I will not allow anyone to speak poorly of Ms. Abdul. So what if she's so lit up on American Idol she's one step away from walking out to the judging table with a syringe hanging from her arm? So what if she's one of those "mysterious glasses" they drink from away from climbing on stage, shedding her clothes, and having a giant orgy on stage? Is she still not a former Laker Girl? Is she still not the one who taught us about cold hearted snakes and that oppposites attract? And is she still not the one who put together this touching ballad of romance and... well, rushing. She says she can feel you all through her... and dammit, I believe her.

13] "Lost In Your Eyes" - Debbie Gibson
Dammit, I was a kid! I didn't know any better! To a wee lad like myself, Debbie [now Deborah... que chigon!] was just a hot little blond who sung about sappy crap but... she was hot! I'm fairly sure I had two of her albums on tape... and I have no idea why. But I do still like this song. You know how much I like Debbie Gibson? I even have [and like] the Circle Jerks song that she performed on... I guess you can call it a performance... she pretty much just yelled along with the chorus... and appeared at one of their shows to stage dive. Oh, those lucky bastards who had to catch her. Mmmmm.

14] "Stronger" - Britney Spears
Aha! The one who started it all! _The_ Pop Princess herself. Once again, I could probably slot any Britney song into this slot... but I've gotta go with the one where she told the world she was a new woman... not a girl... and that she was gonna do whatevah the fuck she wanted! Once again, hook + beat = money... and it's topped off even nicer when it's Britney [Ms. Spears if you're nasty] belting out the vocals in her trademark fashion. She's stronger than yesterday... it's nothing but her way. A song of self-confidence and... uhh... bitchiness? I don't know. But it's catchy, dammit. Enjoy it.

15] "Ain't Gonna Hurt Nobody" - Kid And Play
Oh, come on. You all mark for the huge flat top. Don't deny it. Everyone's got these in their closet. Everyone's got the cheesy rap/hip hop song that kinda introduced you to the genre that you realize now that you probably shouldn't like, but can't help it. Everyone's got their "Bust A Move" or "Wild Thing" or something with the Fat Boys. Maybe "Baby Got Back" for a newer generation. NO ONE STARTED WITH PE OR NWA, DAMMIT! DON'T TELL ME YOU DID! Add to this one that it's not from House Party... BUT HOUSE PARTY 2! THE ONE WITH THE PAJAMAJAMMYJAM! OHHHHHWHATARUSH! Ahhh... even now I can picture these two stylists trying to do that little dance thing they did with one another in the first House Party. Kid And Play made movie freestyle battles cool long before Eminem walked down 8 Mile.

16] "I'm Gonna Miss You" - Milli Vanilli
How did we not know? Seriously. How the hell did we not look at these two rejects from the wedding scene in Coming To America and not know? These guys could barely speak English... yet they had silky dulcet tones to serenade the pants off all the white women in the world? We're all such fools. And all it took for enlightenment? A skipping record.

Oh my god.

SOMEONE GET ME THE MONEY TO START A RECORD LABEL! I could make _twenty_ Milli Vanillis now! With digital technology, we'd never have another problem! Milli Vanilli 2k6 would be off the hook! Well, until we got the Blue Screen of Death in mid "Girl You Know It's True." Anyways... this was my fav of the MV songs. And yes, I had the whole album... and no, I didn't burn it protest.

Oh, if Milli Vanilli had to give back their Grammys, Barry Bonds better give back every piece of hardware that cheatin' sumbitch ever "earned."

17] "These Words" - Natasha Bedingfield
Uh huh. B's fault. Totally. I wouldn't even ever hear songs like this if it wasn't for her! I don't watch MTV... I don't listen to KIIS... I have no opportunity to be exposed to crap like this! IT'S ALL HER FAULT!

And this one drives me absolutely crazy. She's whiny... she's bitching about writer's block... about the troubles of being a creative arist for a living. Oh please. I should have such problems. Maybe I should write a novel about being too fucked in the head to write a novel and make a BILLION FUCKING DOLLARS FROM IT!

I hate this woman... I hate everything this song represents... yet...

The song is stuck in my head. I think it's the whiny voice... it's like a siren's cry. Maybe she's not human either. She's like those singy things in Goblet Of Fire [the book] that made all the men do stupid shit... like buy her fucking music.

18] "Voices That Care" - Voices That Care
Ahhhh... here's a good one. "We Are The World" was a moment... an institution. An epic event that will likely never be recreated. But that won't stop the music industry from trying. For every disaster... for every war... for every famine... there's a song with a bunch of musicians trying to "help the cause." They're really trying to catch the WATW lightning in a bottle again. WATW was massive. Everyone had the song... everyone knew the song... everyone could tell you everyone singing on the song. The video was everywhere... the song was everywhere.

Voices That Care was a song released during the first Iraq war... a tribute to the troops. A fine sentiment because as much as we hate this current Iraq war... at least the first one seemed to have a legitimate reason for it. We were liberating an invaded country. Let's forget that if it had happened anywhere else in the world where there wasn't a shitload of oil involved we probably would've turned a blind eye...

I've lost my point.

Anyways... the song has Will Smith rapping about "right or wrong, we're all prayin' you remain strong, that's why we're all here and singin' along." That tells you why this song didn't reach the level I'm sure they were hoping for... although if I remember right, it did have a Fox special to promote it.

But I dig the song. I dig the sentiment behind it. I applaud the effort... even as I'm listening to it now and hearing a fuckin' Kenny G sax solo in the middle of it.

Sigh.

Never mind.

19. There's Gotta Be More To Life - Stacie Orrico
B's fault! TOTALLY B'S FAULT! I don't even know what else to right about these pop princesses other than this one at least let me quote it once in a blog posting which was quite amusing. I wonder how much money someone like this chick made off this song. I mean... to the best of my knowledge... she really only had the one hit single. What does one hit single = in dollars? In years gone by, I bet it's a small fortune because to get the one song, usually you had to buy an entire album of shitty songs. With iTunes and other music services [both legal and illegal] now, I would think the power of only having one single would be rapidly declining. And therein lies the real reason the music industry hates being able to sell one song at a time...

They simply don't have enough talented musicians to make full albums that people want. Gone are the days of Pearl Jam's "Ten" or Bruce Springsteen's "Born To Run" or so many countless others... "Pretty Hate Machine"... "Live Through This"... "Nevermind"... even things like "Like A Virgin". Usher in a new era of one hit wonders who couldn't write an album's worth of quality material to save their pampered little lives.

So off point.. but take it!

20] BONUS TRACK!
So, I said no TV themes... but this is the Bonus Track... and it wouldn't be a Guilty Pleasure album without a TV Theme song. But it couldn't be just any theme song... it couldn't be something that people would instantly recognize and be able to sing along to... no "Who's The Boss" or "Growing Pains"... no "Cheers" or "Dukes of Hazzard"...

You can't even get Joanie Loves Chachi.

When it comes to embarassing TV songs... you gotta dig deeper.

You go to "Go For It!"

You go to the song that the Saved By The Bell girls sang as part of their great musical group "The Hot Sundaes." You go to one of the most famed episodes of all time as Jessie Spano got hooked on speed and had a horrible on-air crash where she told Zack that she could sing! That she was ready to sing for the talent scouts!

"I'M SO EXCITED! I'M SO EXCITED [sobbing] I'm... so... scared."

Classic television. Classic music.

Oh, and if you want to read the recap of the episode [and check out the awesome picture at the bottom right]...

http://www.lightsoutfilms.com/tv_jessiessong.html

And that's that. Musical challenge anyone?