One of the most overlooked and underappreciated forms of humor is the list of injuries that players have somehow managed to acquire over the years to force them out of action. While you never want to laugh at an injury, well... sometimes you just have to.
Who can forget Jeff Kent's broken wrist from "falling out of his truck while washing it?" Of course, it was later revealed that he broke it while doing wheelies on his motorcycle... a violation of his contract that pretty much was the beginning of the end of his stint with the San Francisco Giants. Washing your truck or doing wheelies? Either one is a pretty dumb way to get injured.
But baseball players aren't the only ones to get injured in dumb ways. Laker fans will not forgive or forget Vladimir Radmanovic for his injury over the 2006-07 All Star Break. It was shortly after the break that he announced he had suffered a separated shoulder when he slipped on a icy sidewalk in Utah. Very few, if any, bought the excuse and it was just days later that he told the truth - it was a snowboarding injury which was, of course, again a violation of his contract. The Lakers "went easy" on Vlad Rad and opted not to terminate his contract for the breach - instead fining him $500,000 for his boneheaded move.
And one more of those, "million to one shot, doc" injuries... Houston Astros' outfielder Hunter Pence had my favorite injury of the winter when he accidentally jumped through a glass door, shattering it and slicing himself to shit in the process. How could such a thing happen, you ask? He and "a friend" were hot-tubbing on his deck when he suddenly decided he needed to use the bathroom. He jumped out of the hot tub and jumped towards the door - only to discover his "friend" had shut it. The door shattered and hilarity ensued.
But not all of the best injury stories come from the way they happen. Sometimes you just have to laugh at the injury itself. And no, I'm not talking about the occasional chuckle when someone gets a strained groin. I'm not even talking about the Dodgers' Tony Abreu and his INJURED ASS this spring. Maybe I'm talking about Clemens' ass injury discussed during his Congressional testimony?
Well, no... but that was a good one too.
My new favorite injury popped up [so to speak] this evening when I was watching some old AWA wrestling on ESPN Classic that I had DVRd last week. Something on the news crawl caught my eye in a "Did that just say..."
Yes, it did.
Kaz Matsui was going on the disabled list for... anal fissures.
Now, if you're like most of America, you're only experience with that term came from The Office a couple seasons back when Dwight was picking a new health plan and Kevin wanted to make sure that "anal fissures" would be covered because "someone had them."
And if you never bothered at that point to discover what they were... well, I'm here to educate one and all.
"An anal fissure is an unnatural crack or tear in the anus skin. As a fissure, these tiny tears may show as bright red rectal bleeding and cause severe periodic pain after defecation. [...] Most anal fissures are caused by stretching of the anal mucosa beyond its capability. Various causes of this fissure include:
* Straining to defecate, especially if the stool is hard and dry
* Severe and chronic constipation
* Severe and chronic diarrhea
* Crohn's disease and Ulcerative colitis
* Tight sphincter muscles
* Anal intercourse"
Sounds... pleasant!
So, poor Kaz will be sliding headfirst for a while apparently as he recovers from his... well, utter and total humiliation at having this disclosed to the entire sporting world, I'd imagine. Best of luck to you, buddy. And if they bench you... don't forget the donut.
Oh, by the way, while doing "intensive research" for this posting, I may have discovered my new favorite sports injury...
Apparently the Spring of '08 is going to be big for bizarre injuries because as odd as Matsui's is... check out poor Cubs outfielder Felix Pie.
"Pie is suffering from what's called testicular torsion, or, in layman's terms, a twisted testicle. It happened early in camp, but Pie had the problem reduced manually, sources said, and was able to continue playing. He was scheduled to have the corrective surgery on the Cubs off-day next Monday, but when Pie reported to camp with soreness Monday, the Cubs decided to get the procedure done today."
ANAL FISSURES... TWISTED TESTICLES... Sweet Lord have mercy on us all.
It's almost enough to make you wish Jeff Kent would wash his truck again.
Almost.
2008-03-22
2008-03-21
Top Five Friday
With two and a half hours until "deadline," i've struggled to find a good Top Five for this Friday. Mrs. Blue has given me a bunch of possible topics that I've cruelly shot down one by one much to her dismay.
Finally, she picked one that I had kind of thought of earlier in the day. So, with options running out, I present...
The Top Five Places To Buy Music [All-Time Edition]
5. Best Buy
Oh come on. Sometimes you just need to find something fast and somewhat cheap. However, Best Buy was much cooler when they first opened when they were actually trying to run out all the music store chains. The prices were cheap, the racks were well-stocked and organized. Now, they just don't care because they figure that you can't go anywhere else. So, basically, they suck now but they had potential once upon a time.
4. Virgin Megastore
And I'm talking a very specific Virgin Megastore - the one that formerly existed in the Triangle Square shopping center in Costa Mesa. I have very fond and vivid memories of going to that store with my friends for a few years [about 1994-96.] It really was unlike any store we'd ever seen. So massive, so many choices... and all those awesome listening stations where you could hear all the stuff that you'd never heard of before. It was expensive as shit though. I remember going there before my first concert [Stone Temple Pilots at formerly Irvine Meadows] and buying the Beastie Boys disc that had "Sabotage" on it. I don't even own that CD anymore I don't believe but at the time, it was the shit. That store is gone now like most music stores seem to be but the memories live on.
3. Tower Records
Whether it was the Tower Records in Costa Mesa or the historic one on Sunset, most people miss Tower Records. Me? I miss the one that was in West Covina. You see, that particular Tower was off the freeway on the way from my aunts' house going back home. So, if I was really annoying, I could sometimes get my mom to stop there on the way home so I could race inside and spend some money. I was way too young to appreciate the awesome selection and basically ended up dropping money on some cassette singles at $3 each [see, even as a kid I knew that the record industry was putting out shit for full albums.] In my later years, I didn't shop there so much because the prices were so high but I never thought the whole chain would fold up like they did last year. I went in to the local Tower to pick up some "going out of business" stuff but it was so sad being in there. I might have even shed a tear if it was at _my_ Tower.
2. The Mad Platter
I think that everyone who goes "away" to college has their local music store that brings back so many fond memories. The Mad Platter in Riverside was mine. Tucked away on a side street in the "not-so-nice" side of town, the Mad Platter sold tons of local bands, tons of ska and punk, and tons of used CDs that I could thumb through for hours trying to find what to spend my hard-earned Work Study money on. They would even open the CDs for you to listen to on the in-store CD players if you asked. For a youngster, the most eye-opening thing to discover were bootlegs. I'd always _heard_ of bootlegs but actually discovering that you could get an entire concert of your favorite band for $20-30 bucks was amazing. I still treasure the Pearl Jam Rarities bootleg that I bought there that had their entire MTV Unplugged set plus "Sonic Reducer" that I used to shove in the face of people who thought they were hardcore PJ fans. Ahhhh, the innocent days of being a music snob. The Mad Platter was also the source to discover all the shows coming to town... you know, before the Internet. This store is gone too. Sounds like a broken record, huh?
1. Amoeba Music
In the heart of Hollywood, I had heard of this store for ages but never actually made it up there until May of '06. Needless to say, I instantly fell in love with it. Two stories of greatness, tons and tons and tons of CDs everywhere to be found. New CDs, used CDs, local CDs, big time CDs. There's racks of vinyl [something I'm efforting to get into very soon.] There are little side rooms that cover Jazz and Soundtracks. There are sections for country, for international, for... just about anything you can imagine. They even have DVDs upstairs if that's what you're looking for. The walls are absolutely papered with posters for bands and movies and... yeah. I can spend hours in the store digging through the entire used music section, wander upstairs with a handbasket overflowing with CDs pulled off the racks, and then listening to them all on the listening stations upstairs that scan the barcode to pull them up in the system. Yeah, sometimes that system doesn't work but dammit, it's the thought that counts. Honestly, it's a good thing I live an hour away from Amoeba because if I was any closer, they might get almost every dime I have. Oh, and they also feature in-store concerts from time to time... something I've failed to see so far but intend to remedy soon. It's still open... for now. Show 'em some love and keep it that way, okay?
And that's that.
On a side note, I had an internal debate on whether or not to include iTunes Music Store in this list seeing that's where I buy most of music nowadays. I decided not to because it's an uneven playing field for convenience but if you're looking for music in a hurry and at [usually] the most reasonable price you can find, you can't beat the ITMS. For those of you who prefer an actual disc or piece of vinyl in your hands, head on down to Hollywood.
Finally, she picked one that I had kind of thought of earlier in the day. So, with options running out, I present...
The Top Five Places To Buy Music [All-Time Edition]
5. Best Buy
Oh come on. Sometimes you just need to find something fast and somewhat cheap. However, Best Buy was much cooler when they first opened when they were actually trying to run out all the music store chains. The prices were cheap, the racks were well-stocked and organized. Now, they just don't care because they figure that you can't go anywhere else. So, basically, they suck now but they had potential once upon a time.
4. Virgin Megastore
And I'm talking a very specific Virgin Megastore - the one that formerly existed in the Triangle Square shopping center in Costa Mesa. I have very fond and vivid memories of going to that store with my friends for a few years [about 1994-96.] It really was unlike any store we'd ever seen. So massive, so many choices... and all those awesome listening stations where you could hear all the stuff that you'd never heard of before. It was expensive as shit though. I remember going there before my first concert [Stone Temple Pilots at formerly Irvine Meadows] and buying the Beastie Boys disc that had "Sabotage" on it. I don't even own that CD anymore I don't believe but at the time, it was the shit. That store is gone now like most music stores seem to be but the memories live on.
3. Tower Records
Whether it was the Tower Records in Costa Mesa or the historic one on Sunset, most people miss Tower Records. Me? I miss the one that was in West Covina. You see, that particular Tower was off the freeway on the way from my aunts' house going back home. So, if I was really annoying, I could sometimes get my mom to stop there on the way home so I could race inside and spend some money. I was way too young to appreciate the awesome selection and basically ended up dropping money on some cassette singles at $3 each [see, even as a kid I knew that the record industry was putting out shit for full albums.] In my later years, I didn't shop there so much because the prices were so high but I never thought the whole chain would fold up like they did last year. I went in to the local Tower to pick up some "going out of business" stuff but it was so sad being in there. I might have even shed a tear if it was at _my_ Tower.
2. The Mad Platter
I think that everyone who goes "away" to college has their local music store that brings back so many fond memories. The Mad Platter in Riverside was mine. Tucked away on a side street in the "not-so-nice" side of town, the Mad Platter sold tons of local bands, tons of ska and punk, and tons of used CDs that I could thumb through for hours trying to find what to spend my hard-earned Work Study money on. They would even open the CDs for you to listen to on the in-store CD players if you asked. For a youngster, the most eye-opening thing to discover were bootlegs. I'd always _heard_ of bootlegs but actually discovering that you could get an entire concert of your favorite band for $20-30 bucks was amazing. I still treasure the Pearl Jam Rarities bootleg that I bought there that had their entire MTV Unplugged set plus "Sonic Reducer" that I used to shove in the face of people who thought they were hardcore PJ fans. Ahhhh, the innocent days of being a music snob. The Mad Platter was also the source to discover all the shows coming to town... you know, before the Internet. This store is gone too. Sounds like a broken record, huh?
1. Amoeba Music
In the heart of Hollywood, I had heard of this store for ages but never actually made it up there until May of '06. Needless to say, I instantly fell in love with it. Two stories of greatness, tons and tons and tons of CDs everywhere to be found. New CDs, used CDs, local CDs, big time CDs. There's racks of vinyl [something I'm efforting to get into very soon.] There are little side rooms that cover Jazz and Soundtracks. There are sections for country, for international, for... just about anything you can imagine. They even have DVDs upstairs if that's what you're looking for. The walls are absolutely papered with posters for bands and movies and... yeah. I can spend hours in the store digging through the entire used music section, wander upstairs with a handbasket overflowing with CDs pulled off the racks, and then listening to them all on the listening stations upstairs that scan the barcode to pull them up in the system. Yeah, sometimes that system doesn't work but dammit, it's the thought that counts. Honestly, it's a good thing I live an hour away from Amoeba because if I was any closer, they might get almost every dime I have. Oh, and they also feature in-store concerts from time to time... something I've failed to see so far but intend to remedy soon. It's still open... for now. Show 'em some love and keep it that way, okay?
And that's that.
On a side note, I had an internal debate on whether or not to include iTunes Music Store in this list seeing that's where I buy most of music nowadays. I decided not to because it's an uneven playing field for convenience but if you're looking for music in a hurry and at [usually] the most reasonable price you can find, you can't beat the ITMS. For those of you who prefer an actual disc or piece of vinyl in your hands, head on down to Hollywood.
2008-03-20
Best Laid Plans...
With my head slowly clearing, I was prepared to attempt a longish blog post tonight. Something about the frailty of man as we endeavor to achieve lasting greatness in a cynical, apathetic world.
But then I saw this...
This is the first publicity photo of Ray Park in costume.
No other words needed.
EDIT: A BONUS PHOTO!
But then I saw this...
This is the first publicity photo of Ray Park in costume.
No other words needed.
EDIT: A BONUS PHOTO!
2008-03-19
It's The Brain Pain, Coach
Sorry for the late... and short... post but I've been laid up for most of the past two days with a really bad head cold. I think it's starting to finally get better but I'm having a hard time focusing on the computer to write anything.
So, this is all you get...
So, this is all you get...
2008-03-18
Farewell to Dodgertown
With the Dodgers making their final appearance in a Grapefruit League game today on the road, it only seems fitting to make a farewell to Dodgertown today.
After making Dodgertown in Vero Beach, Florida, their spring training home for the past 60 years, the Dodgers have played their final game in Holman Stadium. In fitting fashion, thanks to the China trip, Tommy Lasorda was the manager for the final game. Unfortunately, the Dodgers weren't able to pull out a victory [despite uber-rare 9 inning stints for both Andre Ethier and Rafael Furcal - who both requested to stay in the game to try and get Tommy and the Dodgers the win] but it does little to take away the warm and fuzzies that many hold to their heart over that stadium and complex.
Tommy said it best in a pre-game address to the sold-out crowd. "You're going to make me cry, huh? I can't find the words to express my feeling for all of you people. We are going to leave, but we will have the memories forever. God bless you."
For longtime Dodgers fans, everyone has their own special memory of Dodgertown to recall. Whether it's that fateful day each spring when after months of waiting, you heard the sound of Vin Scully's voice wishing you a terrific day "wherever you may be" from Holman Stadium. Whether it's the crazy stories that have trickled out of those old army barracks through the years [the Strongman practical joke, the Green Phantom, among others.] Maybe it's 1988 when the Dodgers' new Free Agent acquisition got pissed off and stormed off the practice field when Jesse Orosco played a prank on him.
Or for others, it's the stories of Dodgers legends Sandy Koufax stopping in to camp to give a few words of advice to young pitchers or Maury Willis teaching bunting at "Maury's Pit."
Whatever it is, there is almost always something about Dodgertown that will bring a smile to a fan's face. I've never seen another spring training complex like it and for a now-31 year old, my fondest memories of Dodgertown come from the 5 days I spent there in the spring of 1989.
Memories like chasing down Kirk Gibson just before he stepped into a batting cage, getting his autograph, and [I've always told the story] getting the flu from him as he wiped his nose before handing back my pen.
Memories like chasing down an unknown Dodger legend with a baseball to get signed... only to discover it was Al Downing. Hey, at least he's famous for something, right?
Memories like Tommy Lasorda throwing batting practice and giving running commentary while doing so. "Where do you wanna live? I wanna live at 6-4-3 DP Lane!"
Memories like sitting in Vero Beach's only movie theatre watching Rain Man and hearing Vin Scully's trademark voice laughing at the Fernando joke and getting chills up and down my spine.
Memories that'll last a lifetime.
Little Blue in Dodgertown
After making Dodgertown in Vero Beach, Florida, their spring training home for the past 60 years, the Dodgers have played their final game in Holman Stadium. In fitting fashion, thanks to the China trip, Tommy Lasorda was the manager for the final game. Unfortunately, the Dodgers weren't able to pull out a victory [despite uber-rare 9 inning stints for both Andre Ethier and Rafael Furcal - who both requested to stay in the game to try and get Tommy and the Dodgers the win] but it does little to take away the warm and fuzzies that many hold to their heart over that stadium and complex.
Tommy said it best in a pre-game address to the sold-out crowd. "You're going to make me cry, huh? I can't find the words to express my feeling for all of you people. We are going to leave, but we will have the memories forever. God bless you."
For longtime Dodgers fans, everyone has their own special memory of Dodgertown to recall. Whether it's that fateful day each spring when after months of waiting, you heard the sound of Vin Scully's voice wishing you a terrific day "wherever you may be" from Holman Stadium. Whether it's the crazy stories that have trickled out of those old army barracks through the years [the Strongman practical joke, the Green Phantom, among others.] Maybe it's 1988 when the Dodgers' new Free Agent acquisition got pissed off and stormed off the practice field when Jesse Orosco played a prank on him.
Or for others, it's the stories of Dodgers legends Sandy Koufax stopping in to camp to give a few words of advice to young pitchers or Maury Willis teaching bunting at "Maury's Pit."
Whatever it is, there is almost always something about Dodgertown that will bring a smile to a fan's face. I've never seen another spring training complex like it and for a now-31 year old, my fondest memories of Dodgertown come from the 5 days I spent there in the spring of 1989.
Memories like chasing down Kirk Gibson just before he stepped into a batting cage, getting his autograph, and [I've always told the story] getting the flu from him as he wiped his nose before handing back my pen.
Memories like chasing down an unknown Dodger legend with a baseball to get signed... only to discover it was Al Downing. Hey, at least he's famous for something, right?
Memories like Tommy Lasorda throwing batting practice and giving running commentary while doing so. "Where do you wanna live? I wanna live at 6-4-3 DP Lane!"
Memories like sitting in Vero Beach's only movie theatre watching Rain Man and hearing Vin Scully's trademark voice laughing at the Fernando joke and getting chills up and down my spine.
Memories that'll last a lifetime.
Little Blue in Dodgertown
2008-03-17
Blue's Concert Calendar
So, I'm sitting here watching Styx perform a concert with a children's youth orchestra which is pretty fuckin' rad and I decided that I'd put together a list of the concerts in the Southern California that I wish I was going to [and highly suggest that you go to!]
I think I'll try to keep this somewhat up to date and post it once a week or so. We'll see how that plot turns out.
Here's my first stab at this one. If you see something I'm obviously missing, please send it in.
March
-----
3/19 - Nada Surf & Sea Wolf @ The Fonda in Hollywood
3/20 - Vampire Weekend @ The El Rey
3/21 - Nada Surf & Sea Wolf @ Glass House in Pomona
April
-----
4/4-5 - Bon Jovi & Daughtry @ The Venue Formerly Known As The Pond
4/7-8 - Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band @ The Pond
4/9 - Bon Jovi & Daughtry @ Staples Center
4/12-13 - Eddie Vedder & Liam Finn @ The Wiltern
4/16-17 - Eels @ The El Rey
4/24 - Rilo Kiley @ Glass House in Pomona
4/28 - I'm From Barcelona @ The El Rey
May
---
5/15 - Eisley @ The El Rey
5/17 - Eisley @ Glass House
5/27 - The Police @ Hollywood Bowl
5/29 - R.E.M. @ Hollywood Bowl
June
----
6/25 - Tom Petty @ Hollywood Bowl
July
----
7/11-12 - Ricky Gervais @ Kodak Theatre
August
------
8/1 - Rod Stewart/Bryan Adams @ The Venue Formerly Known As Irvine Meadows
8/22 - Tom Petty @ Verizon Wireless
8/29-30 - John Williams @ Hollywood Bowl
I think I'll try to keep this somewhat up to date and post it once a week or so. We'll see how that plot turns out.
Here's my first stab at this one. If you see something I'm obviously missing, please send it in.
March
-----
3/19 - Nada Surf & Sea Wolf @ The Fonda in Hollywood
3/20 - Vampire Weekend @ The El Rey
3/21 - Nada Surf & Sea Wolf @ Glass House in Pomona
April
-----
4/4-5 - Bon Jovi & Daughtry @ The Venue Formerly Known As The Pond
4/7-8 - Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band @ The Pond
4/9 - Bon Jovi & Daughtry @ Staples Center
4/12-13 - Eddie Vedder & Liam Finn @ The Wiltern
4/16-17 - Eels @ The El Rey
4/24 - Rilo Kiley @ Glass House in Pomona
4/28 - I'm From Barcelona @ The El Rey
May
---
5/15 - Eisley @ The El Rey
5/17 - Eisley @ Glass House
5/27 - The Police @ Hollywood Bowl
5/29 - R.E.M. @ Hollywood Bowl
June
----
6/25 - Tom Petty @ Hollywood Bowl
July
----
7/11-12 - Ricky Gervais @ Kodak Theatre
August
------
8/1 - Rod Stewart/Bryan Adams @ The Venue Formerly Known As Irvine Meadows
8/22 - Tom Petty @ Verizon Wireless
8/29-30 - John Williams @ Hollywood Bowl
2008-03-16
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