Top Five Friday: There's Something Wrong With The Kids In My Neighborhood

I was working on something else for Top Five Friday when this popped to mind. So, the other thing may have to wait for a Top Five Sunday or some suchness. I suppose I could have held this one back until next week but some stuff just needs to be said.

First off, much props to NOFX for the title of this post - I think they'd be pleased with the words I'm about to spew forth.

A few months ago when the Missus and I were at the Kate Nash concert, we saw some things that... well, really just kinda annoyed us. But the more we discussed it in the days to follow, I noticed a trend following fans of the music industry that seemed a little more than annoying - I think it seriously threatens the musical world as we know it! [how's that for melodrama?]

With that in mind...

The Top Five Things Music Fans Do That Concern Me

5. "NO TICKET!"
One of the first things we noticed at the Kate Nash show was the amount of kids [yes, I suppose they're kids to me now - I feel old] clutching sheets of paper in their hands instead of actual tickets. What the fuck's up with that? Ticketmaster has been offering this TicketFast shit for a while now, I guess, but I've never used it. I want a god damn ticket. And if that makes me cruel to the environment, well, fuck that noise. Do you know how depressed those kids are going to be in ten years when they're going through shit while cleaning the house and not finding ticket stubs to remind them of the shows they went to in the past? I LOVE my ticket stubs! How else would I remember that I saw Reel Big Fish at the Hollywood Palladium in 1998 and then recall that we left before RBF actually took the stage? Those old faded ticket stubs are like boosts of ginkogaloba to make me remember shit. These kids with their sheets of paper will never remember anything. Fuck them.

4. Cellphones - Fucking Cellphones
Don't get me wrong. If you've got an iPhone, you rock. You may not deserve it and I may ponder what would happen if I kicked your ass behind the dumpster and stole it from you - but you rock for owning it. But when you don't rock is when you clutch your iPhone in your sweaty hand and snap pictures the entire night long with the 2 Megapixel camera. Do you really think that shot is going to turn out? And even if it does, are your friends going to swoon when you show them your blurry, pixelated shot of the flavor of the week? And what about you fuckers who decide it's a good idea to text ALL NIGHT LONG?! Hey, it's cool if you want to do it during intermission. Occasionally, I find it okay to do it too. And while it's completely disrespectful to do it during a band, if it's a shitty band [fuck you Modest Mouse!], you have my permission too. But during the band you came to see? Seriously? What could you possibly have to say that's so important at that point? "omg! they r so TOTALLY playing that that's me in the corner song!! its so 80s! lawl!" Do us all a favor and wait. And yes, I could write an entire post on those fuckers who do this in the movie theater too.

3. Mid-Show Conversations
If it's superloud and no one can hear you, go for it. But if it's during a slow song or it's a small venue, I really couldn't give a shit if Billy give you the crabs or not so don't bother to tell your friend next to you - since EVERYONE ELSE CAN HEAR IT TOO! You paid good money [maybe your parents but... well, that's another story] to see the band perform so fucking watch them perform. Apparently you like this band for some reason so show them a little respect.

2. God, I Feel Old
Kids go to shows. I get that. The music industry, for the most part, is aimed at the kids who have lots of [their parents'] disposable income to pour down a rathole on shitty music they'll be embarrassed to own at some point - New Kids Christmas album, I'm lookin' right at you. But that's okay. Your youth is the time period when you're allowed to like music you shouldn't like. It's when it's okay to have a drawerful of cassette singles like Snap, Dino, and Pebbles. But keep that shit in a drawer. Kids are going to shows at far too young of an age these days. That means that someday you'll have to openly admit that your first show was at age 9 seeing the Jonas Brothers. You want to know how that feels? Go ask the people whose first show was Hanson. See, my first show wasn't until I was 16 or 17 which means I get to tell people my first show was Stone Temple Pilots. My second show was Metallica. My third show was Live and Weezer. Fourth was Aerosmith. Sensing a trend? I've got nothing to hide in shame over. But all these kids going to shows will someday live to regret it when they have to recite a list of one hit wonders for their first shows.

And the #1 problem facing music fans today...

1. What's An Album?
The death of the album in modern music is a tragic thing. I'm as guilty of this as anyone but can anyone really recall the last full album they knew from front to back and everywhere in between? Remember the good ol' days with Ten and Nevermind where you knew every nook and cranny of that album? Remember when you even knew the really bad gimmick songs like "Bugs" that PJ would slip onto an album? Now everyone only knows songs - and worse, a lot of people don't even call them "songs" anymore. Now they're "tracks." And they probably have been tracks for a long time but dammit, that needs to change. I'm going to bite my lip until it bleeds the next time I catch myself call it a track. But back on point, the death of the album is a horrible thing. While it's great to have the option to buy songs individually, it's led to a world where no one knows an album anymore. It was bad enough when CDs came out and people would say shit like, "Oh, I really like Track 5" but it just gets worse with time. That's why I've been on this crazy kick for a while now to buy a record player, fill our shelves with vinyl, and re-live the glory days of music. So many bands are putting stuff out on vinyl again, I think it could be a renaissance of music for me personally. Just sitting with headphones on listening to an entire album - yeah, I can dig it. I wonder if they still do that radio show "The Seventh Day" where they would play a bunch of albums all the way through. God, that shit was great. We've gone from a world of b-sides and "deep cuts" to whatever is in the Top 10 on iTunes. Things need to change.

Anyways... my soapbox is worn out. Until next time...