Fuck Microsoft

It's not exactly what you'd call a secret that the big MS and I don't exactly see eye to eye. I've been using Macs and professing their greatness to all who'd listen for years. Windows is a giant pile of shit compared to OS X whether it's XP, Vista, and I'll go out a limb right now and say it... yes, even the fabled Windows 7. The Zune is an even larger pile of shit that has earned it's place in the Mocking Hall of Fame. Office is... eh.... but it's hard to fuck up a Word Processor.

But the X-Box and I have always been on decent terms. I had an original X-Box pretty early in its inception - my last "big" Christmas gift from the family. I enjoyed it muchly and thought it much more fun than my PS2 that continues to sit untouched as it has been for years. I was pretty enthused about the 360 when I got it as well and used it for a while before all video games went ignored for quite some time.

Those decent terms end tonight.

The UFC game came out a couple weeks ago and after a couple-times-a-week check at Blockbuster to attempt to rent it, I buckled this evening and bought it. About two hours ago, we fired up the 360 for its first usage in a long, long while.

So, the first thing MS decides to do is piss on my parade by informing me that I have to do a system update before I can play the game. Awesome.

Well, no, it's not awesome because I don't have a hard line Internet connection in that room nor did I drop $100 for the overpriced 360 wireless receiver. I scoured the house for an Ethernet cable for which to tether my laptop to it to do the stupid update. Nothing. I even trudged down three flights of stairs to check the garage. Nothing.

I finally decided to take the cable from my Cable Modem to Airport and use that while piggybacking on someone else's connection. Plugged in. Fired it up.

I spot a weird little checkerboard pattern in the corner with a non-responsive controller that starts to make me nervous. Having been the victim of failed logic boards in the past, I have a sixth sense about these things.

Turn it off, turn it back on.



The infamous Red Ring Of Death.

For those unaware, MS describes this as "general hardware failure." It's infamous for a reason as countless X-Box 360 users over the past few years reported it. I'm sure I would have earlier if the unit hadn't gone untouched for months at a time. I immediately declare the situation a "traumatic event" to the scorn of the Missus because apparently we have different definitions of "traumatic."

I go to the Microsoft website for what they somehow have the unmitigated gall to label "support."

Step One - they give me some bullshit about checking the power adapter. Looks good.
Step Two - Turn it off for ten seconds. Brilliant! Like I hadn't already tried that.
Step Three - Welp, you're fucked. Submit an online repair request.

"Awesome," I think. This should be easy and painless.

Apparently the geniuses in Seattle believe that the first thing you should do when you have someone sad about not being able to use their product is to ask them to sign in to their website. Alright, I can dig it.

But I apparently don't have a Microsoft Live ID even though they send me monthly e-mails about X-Box Live - a service I haven't had in over a year [at least.] So, now I have to create a Microsoft Live ID complete with that character recognition bullshit that always takes me four tries to get right.

Yay, I have a Microsoft Live ID.

Time to fill out that service request, right?

Nah. Now these fucking idiots think it's a good idea to ask me to create a "Gamertag" and select an avatar for a game I won't be able to play for no telling how long thanks to their shoddy equipment. Are you fucking kidding me?

Alright... I select the Gamertag of "MakeMineApple" which shockingly is both available and apparently approved. Wocka wocka wocka!

I refuse to pick an avatar because that's how I roll. Surprisingly, they let me continue anyways. Thanks, Mr. Gates!

Okay, this part I'm writing as I go through the rest of this. I had to stop and come here to write because this is how ridiculous this whole thing is.

The next step is to register the X-Box that I plan to send in. Sounds... reasonable, I guess. But I bet they're going to want a serial number that I can't find without going back to the other room and disconnecting the 360. Any takers?

Indeed! The first thing they ask for is the S/N without the slightest hint of where it's at. Jackassery at it's finest.

To further the "Huh?" Factor... they ask me for my e-mail even though I'm signed in under my Windows Live ID which is linked to my e-mail. And they ask for my name again. And where I'm from. Leave no stone unturned. Here's an odd one... they ask for my preferred language and even though the entire page is in English, that's not the first choice. I have to scroll through the alphabetical list to bring it up. Is it too American-centric to ask that they put the language on the screen as the first option?

Okay... off I go to find a serial number...

It's on the back of the unit which is now unplugged. Bizarre thing is I powered it up before unplugging it. No red circle. Now I don't have a clue what's going on.

I'm going to fill this out anyways... just in case...

Standard Warranty Expired. But when you click the Red Ring as the problem, they list a free repair including them paying for shipping. Of course, I'd have to find a box to ship it in but that should be not horribly painful, I suppose.

I'll probably give the thing another shot tomorrow to see if it works but... yeah, not the best customer service support experience so far.

If only I liked Sony any better...