Two Snaps, A Twist, And A Kiss

So, from my understanding and worldview, we have new readers. Welcome and I apologize in advance for anything you find offensive... and then I apologize for saying something even worse in the next paragraph after the one that offended you... and I _definitely_ apologize for the comment after that. I mean, seriously... Chelsea Clinton pimped out for use in a donkey show? Like that'd really happen!

We've been on a bit of a movie rental kick lately which is ironic in an Alanis Morissette kinda way as we barely used Netflix and/or Blockbuster Online for the whole time we had them. Both are canceled now and we suddenly find ourselves renting movies over the past two weeks. Who knew?

In honor of that and that pesky award show coming up next weekend where awards will be given to movies none of us have seen, actors whose names we don't recognize without crib notes, original songs sung by rodents [Come on, Enchanted!] and the phrase "Who are you wearing?" is used ten times per second and _not_ to a man named Buffalo Bill. But a shiny nickel if someone tucks and poses ala Jay from Clerks 2. Bonus points if Goodbye Horses is playing.

But I digress.

I shall now do my very best Siskel and Ebert impression which'll likely end up a lot more like when Howard Stern talks about movies...

Before I go into the rentals, let me talk about Eragon.

Ohhhh my, let me talk about Eragon.

You see, Eragon, as a novel, holds a special piece of inspiration for me. For those who don't know the story, the author Christopher Paolini, a home-schooled little bastard who lives in Bumfuck, Montana where there is nothing to do but smoke lots and lots of weed [come on, Phil Jackson "summers" there... girl, you know it's true] was all of fifteen years old when he wrote the first draft of Eragon upon "graduating from high school."

...

Let's let that sink in for a bit.

He was fifteen.

FIFTEEN.

Now, granted, living in Montana and being home-schooled, he must have felt like he was forty but HE WAS FIFTEEN!

According to the bio on his site, he "took a second year to revise." His family decided it was good and decided to self-publish. The book was sent to press and the first copies hit stores in November 2001... when he was eighteen.

That son of a bitch.

So, as you can see, for an aspiring writer like myself, that really toasts my balls. Or inspires me. Sometimes I can't decide which.

See, while I was eighteen and doing dumb shit like drinking on golf courses, this guy was a published author...

...but he was still living in Montana with his parents.

Hrmm.

Tossup, I guess.

BUT I DIGRESS!

Anyways, the book was goodish. It wasn't setting the world on fire but it was a solid read and I was looking forward to more. In between reading the first book and the second, I went through all of George RR Martin's "Song of Fire And Ice" saga that's been published so far which I can not imagine has a peer in the realm of sci-fi/fantasy writing so... I'm not all hot and bothered by Eragon anymore.

But I still dug it enough to be somewhat stoked when at Comic-Con a couple years ago, they announced that they were making an Eragon movie. It really was a book meant to have a movie made of it and coming fresh off LOTR and Potter being megahits, it seemed like it might be a chance for sci-fi/fantasy to make a huge comeback in the cinema which would rock my proverbial socks.

I didn't go see the movie in the theaters... sue me. I didn't even rent it on DVD. I felt bad! I really did!

Now that I've seen it on HBO last week? Not so much.

What a steaming pile of crap that was. I don't even know where to start about how bad it was. The acting was terrible. Some of the effects were just embarassing considerin the level of effects that are possible now. The action sequences were uninspiring. The story was rushed and barely clung to the original plot.

It was ass. Major stinky ass.

Oh, and the dragon! See, I'm going to spoil shit for you so don't read it if you really plan on watching or reading this but I would suggest doing neither because the second book [which I read a few weeks ago] basically pissed me off so DON'T GIVE THE LITTLE MONTANA BASTARD ANY MORE MONEY! The dragon "talks" to Eragon through their minds. Don't laugh, asshole. It's cool. But not when the dragon sounds like Angela Lansbury! GRRRARRRRGH!

Anyways... don't watch that movie. It sucked. If I was Roger Ebert, I would not give this movie a thumbs up. I wouldn't give it a thumbs down either. I'd track down the writer that adapted that screenplay, cut off _his_ thumb, and bury it deep in his rectal region.

So, after seeing that, I was reluctant to race into watching Stardust, one of the other movies we rented that I was really looking forward to.

We opted to start with Shoot 'Em Up.

Shoot 'Em Up was another movie we were pissed we missed in the theater because the footage they screened at the Con was amazingly cool. So, we were stoked at finally getting the chance to see it.

The action scenes were beautifully done... brilliantly choreographed. We had just seen Smokin' Aces [not a bad flick, btw] the week prior so it had some tough competition but came out like a champ. Clive Owen continues to look like a badass in every movie he's in. This could have just as easily been a continuation of his segment of Sin City. Paul Giamatti is perfect as the slimy, snarky, always-a-step-ahead villain. Monica Belluci is hot... well, she is, dammit! And really that was her only purpose in the movie so bravo, my lady, bravo! The plot's a little convoluted and flabby but it's really only window dressing for the action scenes anyways. It had a lot of Charlie's Angelsesque "Did he really just fucking do that?" action so go in prepared to put your disbelief under your chair for 80 minutes and enjoy. I'd give it a thumb to the side... nothing fantabulous but I didn't wish I'd had the hour and a half of my life back.

In showing true cinematic diversity, we progressed on to Ratatouille, Pixar-Disney's latest fling in computer animation.

Sigh.

What the fuck is with computer animation? I mean, I know they like it cause it's pretty. I know they can make things look "more real" with it. But what the hell is wrong with hand-drawn cel animation?! The stuff in Enchanted was the bombdiggity and gave me great hope that the heart and soul hadn't been ripped out of Disney's Animation department and replaced with that fucking clock the Tin Man got from the Wizard of Oz. Beauty And The Beast, Aladdin, Lion King... that's the good shit, baby. I love Toy Story, Toy Story 2, Monsters Inc, Nemo... so don't get me wrong, the computer stuff can be good too. But dammit... just give me someone with a pencil every now and again so my brain doesn't bleed. If you ever get a chance, check out a fantastic documentary called Dream On Silly Dreamer. We saw it at the Con two years ago and bought the DVD on the spot. It's about the "high times and tragic fate of Disney Feature Animation" according to the box. A beautiful and depressing as hell story. But we hold out hope, John Lassiter. Get 'er done.

What was I talking about? Oh, the rat movie.

It was alright. The wife liked it more than I did. She was all giddy for it and looked like she might cry at any moment which doesn't say much because I swear she may have cried at the end of Anchorman... true story! But not.

Anyways... rat movie was okay. It had some heart and looked pretty. I might like it more on a rewatch. Absolutely hated Nemo the first time I watched it and didn't even make it through my first viewing of A Bug's Life. On the grand scale of Pixar flicks, I'd slot it in above Cars [since I haven't seen it!] but... well, below everything else. It _might_ check in higher than Bug's Life. I'd have to rewatch that one too.

NEXT!

We went to watch Across The Universe but the DVD player suddenly decided it didn't want to play dialogue which makes watching a musical a little tricky. I swapped in Stardust to see if that'd work... it didn't. I fiddled with some cables for a bit and suddenly, we had sound. Beautiful! I AM A GENIUS! Actually, I just unplugged one of the audio cables so I only had Mono sound... but still, genius!

Stardust was... well, awesome. I don't have a single complaint actually. The acting was great, the effects were perfect, the plot was awesome [thank you, Mr. Gaiman and thanks adapters for not fucking it up... GO FIX ERAGON!], the music was incredible, and... well, yeah. I was stoked after it was over. Go out of your way to see this movie if you're any fan of sci-fi/fantasy at all. If you're not, give it a shot... you still might like it.

The one negative I took away from Stardust was simple. After seeing Stardust and Serenity both get absolutely destroyed at the box office, I have great fear for the future of the genre in the cinema. Now, obviously we can expect things like The Hobbit and the Potter movies to continue to get churned out and clean house but the smaller films seem to be suffering. Is it a matter of having too much of a niche audience? Is it bad marketing? It's not the movies, dammit, because they were both near flawless. Numbers, you say? Here are the numbers...

Stardust made a total domestic gross of almost 39 million. They tacked on another 96 or so worldwide for a total of 135 million. The production budget was estimated at 70 million and doesn't include marketing and such.

Serenity made 25.5 mil domestic and 13 and change worldwide for a total of about 39 mil on a 39 mil production budget. That makes me want to cry. I WEEP FOR THE WORLD!

And you know why I weep for the world?

Because Step Up 2 The Streets made 26 million dollars this weekend.

Because Eragon made 250 million dollars worldwide... and made me want to stab out my eyes and cut off my ears.

BECAUSE THE PACIFIER MADE 200 MILLION DOLLARS WORLDWIDE! VIN DIESEL AS A BABYSITTER MADE 200 MILLION DOLLARS!

I weep because shows like Arrested Development, Firefly, Wonderfalls, and Journeyman end up scrapped while we get treated to sixteen versions of CSI and Law & Order. I weep because crap like Air Bud 2 gets green-lighted while The Watchmen and Justice League sat in developmental hell for years. I weep because it makes national headlines when a reporter quips that Chelsea Clinton got "pimped out" and because Britney's dad hates her lawyer. I weep that trainwreck television like Celebrity Rehab is made... and that I somehow find myself watching it because it's so damn amazing to see former "stars" on the last rung of life.

Erm... I got carried away again.

BUT I DIGRESS!

Go see Stardust. You know what else you should see? Across The Universe. Well, let's make things really clear on that...

1] You should enjoy musicals. As was referenced this evening, I have "an affinity for musicals" [thanks Mark] - so I enjoyed this movie a lot.

2] You should at least have a mild interest in the Beatles' music. If you hate the Beatles, your money may be better spent on buying a copy of Eragon to use as a coaster if you run out in a crisis.

3] You should be able to least imagine you've been on a mind-altering drug at some point in your life - and yes, we'll include SEVERE doses of alcohol in this. If you've ever drank so much that you looked at your blurry hand and thought it was amusing that you had fingers, that'll do, donkey.

If you meet all three of these criteria, you will likely enjoy this movie.

Nice, clear, concise review! No rants there!

Although, I could discuss the insanity of the Beatles segment on the Grammys again if you'd like. No? Fine.

NEXT!

3:10 To Yuma.

I love me some Westerns. It's a genre that tends to get forgotten for lengthy periods of time and then gets rediscovered when someone knocks one out of the park. 3:10 To Yuma is a remake of a movie I've never seen... which makes it new to me! This movie rocked. Lots of moments of the Gladiator dude being cool. Lots of Christian Bale looking like a pansy-ass mofo... but somehow being cool while doing it. A couple fun cameos. Good shit! Westerns rock. Watch this one.

Concise! That's the keyword since this post is going to take the full length of the front screen and has taken me close to an hour to finish [which is awesome since it'll serve as my hour of writing for Sunday and keep my anti-laziness pledge.]

One last movie and it's one we just watched tonight...

The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters

Lawd have mercy. A documentary about a subculture that is described as "competitive video gaming." For most of us, "competitive video gaming" was like Brian and I sitting under my mom's staircase playing Tecmo Bowl and using the Raiders so that you could run circles around everyone with Bo Jackson or dropping back to your own endzone for the 100 yard pass.

For these guys? It's an addiction, it's life and death [death threats are exchanged according to one player], and for some, it's really the pinnacle of their lives. You'll watch this and at times think it's got to be a show. It's got to be a mockumentary like Drop Dead Gorgeous or Best In Show but there's no Fred Willard to make me giggle every few seconds. There's just poor, sad souls that make you fill up with a mix of sympathy and a desire to mock.

It's a tough internal struggle that all viewers of this flick must endure.

At first, you feel sorry for the man who gets laid off the day he and his wife sign the papers for their new house. But that pity kinda goes in a different direction as his wife, friends, and family members go on and one about how he's never accomplished anything in life and how they just want to see him excel at something and be happy for once. And then when you find out what he's decided to excel in is breaking the world record for Donkey Kong? The pity goes yet another direction! And then to see the lengths he has to go to to try and accomplish that goal? This is really a masterfully done character piece. In wrestling terms, this guy is the ultimate babyface... even after his mother says she thinks he might be a little autistic while we're watching him play the drums on a 5 year old's drumkit.

On the other side of the coin, the current record holder is a dick... plain and simple. The pure ego this guy has for holding world records for a video game will make you want to kick the shit out of him and laugh at the same time. He is the ultimate heel, the perfect foil to our babyface. He uses political pressure to deny our hero, he faces allegations of cheating, he ostracizes, he challenges and then avoids. He basically turns into the perfect pussy heel that's just aching for the final showdown.

I don't want to spoil this one for anyone so... go watch it. It's one of the my favorite things I've seen lately.

Ok... I'm done. Hopefully for you new readers, you weren't too traumatized. The wife can't believe I used a donkey show reference in the first paragraph but as a very wise man once said, "I am what I am."

Pass the spinach cause I be out!