They'll Fight For Freedom Wherever There's Trouble... Invisible Apparently

I tried, guys... you know I tried.

This morning before I start the arduous task of painting our kitchen, I wanted to find some good news about the G.I. Joe movie to share. I feel like I've been in the harbinger of sorrow for that flick for weeks now and it really is/was a movie that I was greatly looking forward to. There had to be some info out there somewhere to make me enthused, right?

Not so much as it turns out.

A site called Firstshowing.net posted their This Is Why You Should Be Excited About the G.I. Joe Movie based off of details from the latest script review. Let's see if I agree.

*** Accelerator Suits - These allow the G.I. Joe squad to "run faster, jump super-high, smash through walls, and shrug off bullets."

Huh? Why, exactly? Did I miss that special edition of G.I. Joe issue #100 where they all became Universal Soldiers with Van Damme and Bill Goldberg? This does not excite me. The Joes were average people with extraordinary abilities. They were not bit by radioactive spiders.

*** Nano-Bombs - A bomb that Cobra Commander is developing that launches a swarm of nanites that eat all non-organic material in the surrounding area including buildings and machinery but none of the people.

I guess this could be kinda cool. It'll be a visually cool scene at least, I'd imagine.

*** Neo-Vipers - A legion of ninja-like super-soldiers that are controlled by Destro that have been enhanced by nanotechnology to not feel any pain or remorse. They were created by a "mad scientist" known as the Doctor. Check out some photos of the old Neo-Viper figures here.

Sigh. Boy, they really like the nano technology stuff, I guess. If the "Doctor" is Dr. Mindbender or Dr. Venom, I lend my tentative support to this plan. Carry on.

*** Destro's Mask - Also created by the same Doctor is a mask made of nanites that Destro wears because his face is disfigured after a fight. This gives Cobra the ability to control his mind.

Boy, they _really_ like the nano technology stuff. I'm SO not enthused by this one. What was wrong with Destro being an international arms dealer who wears the mask out of family tradition because he has a warped sense of honor? Is that really such a difficult character to wrap your brain around? And mind control? Crikey, if you're gonna do mind control - I've got two words for ya - DR. VENOM AND THE FRIGGIN' BRAIN WAVE SCANNER! That might be more than two words.

*** Scarlett's Armor - You've already seen the photo, but apparently that armor allows her to become completely invisible for her missions, or so they say…

Sigh. This is a good thing? Really? I hope on August 9th, 2009, I can eat my words but right now Larry Hama looks like the biggest sell-out ever, brought in to feed the fans lines of crap about how the true fans will enjoy this movie while taking his check to the bank every week and knowing damn well the fans are going to shit a solid gold brick when they see Scarlett turn invisible to fight NANO NINJAS!