Hehehehe... he said "anal fissures"

One of the most overlooked and underappreciated forms of humor is the list of injuries that players have somehow managed to acquire over the years to force them out of action. While you never want to laugh at an injury, well... sometimes you just have to.

Who can forget Jeff Kent's broken wrist from "falling out of his truck while washing it?" Of course, it was later revealed that he broke it while doing wheelies on his motorcycle... a violation of his contract that pretty much was the beginning of the end of his stint with the San Francisco Giants. Washing your truck or doing wheelies? Either one is a pretty dumb way to get injured.

But baseball players aren't the only ones to get injured in dumb ways. Laker fans will not forgive or forget Vladimir Radmanovic for his injury over the 2006-07 All Star Break. It was shortly after the break that he announced he had suffered a separated shoulder when he slipped on a icy sidewalk in Utah. Very few, if any, bought the excuse and it was just days later that he told the truth - it was a snowboarding injury which was, of course, again a violation of his contract. The Lakers "went easy" on Vlad Rad and opted not to terminate his contract for the breach - instead fining him $500,000 for his boneheaded move.

And one more of those, "million to one shot, doc" injuries... Houston Astros' outfielder Hunter Pence had my favorite injury of the winter when he accidentally jumped through a glass door, shattering it and slicing himself to shit in the process. How could such a thing happen, you ask? He and "a friend" were hot-tubbing on his deck when he suddenly decided he needed to use the bathroom. He jumped out of the hot tub and jumped towards the door - only to discover his "friend" had shut it. The door shattered and hilarity ensued.

But not all of the best injury stories come from the way they happen. Sometimes you just have to laugh at the injury itself. And no, I'm not talking about the occasional chuckle when someone gets a strained groin. I'm not even talking about the Dodgers' Tony Abreu and his INJURED ASS this spring. Maybe I'm talking about Clemens' ass injury discussed during his Congressional testimony?

Well, no... but that was a good one too.

My new favorite injury popped up [so to speak] this evening when I was watching some old AWA wrestling on ESPN Classic that I had DVRd last week. Something on the news crawl caught my eye in a "Did that just say..."

Yes, it did.

Kaz Matsui was going on the disabled list for... anal fissures.

Now, if you're like most of America, you're only experience with that term came from The Office a couple seasons back when Dwight was picking a new health plan and Kevin wanted to make sure that "anal fissures" would be covered because "someone had them."

And if you never bothered at that point to discover what they were... well, I'm here to educate one and all.

"An anal fissure is an unnatural crack or tear in the anus skin. As a fissure, these tiny tears may show as bright red rectal bleeding and cause severe periodic pain after defecation. [...] Most anal fissures are caused by stretching of the anal mucosa beyond its capability. Various causes of this fissure include:

* Straining to defecate, especially if the stool is hard and dry
* Severe and chronic constipation
* Severe and chronic diarrhea
* Crohn's disease and Ulcerative colitis
* Tight sphincter muscles
* Anal intercourse"

Sounds... pleasant!

So, poor Kaz will be sliding headfirst for a while apparently as he recovers from his... well, utter and total humiliation at having this disclosed to the entire sporting world, I'd imagine. Best of luck to you, buddy. And if they bench you... don't forget the donut.

Oh, by the way, while doing "intensive research" for this posting, I may have discovered my new favorite sports injury...

Apparently the Spring of '08 is going to be big for bizarre injuries because as odd as Matsui's is... check out poor Cubs outfielder Felix Pie.

"Pie is suffering from what's called testicular torsion, or, in layman's terms, a twisted testicle. It happened early in camp, but Pie had the problem reduced manually, sources said, and was able to continue playing. He was scheduled to have the corrective surgery on the Cubs off-day next Monday, but when Pie reported to camp with soreness Monday, the Cubs decided to get the procedure done today."

ANAL FISSURES... TWISTED TESTICLES... Sweet Lord have mercy on us all.

It's almost enough to make you wish Jeff Kent would wash his truck again.

Almost.