The Facts Are These...

On a night where my brain feels a little mushy after enduring the absolute glory that is Group Day on American Idol (arguably the greatest day of the Idol season for sheer amazing trainwreck television) and another swirly mindbending episode of Lost, I needed some assistance in finding the way to a (somewhat) coherent post. So, I dug "deep" into Yahoo and pulled up about ten headlines that looked interesting from every section. Let's see if I was right!

U.S. Government Helps Angry Springsteen Fans
The facts are these - Ticketmaster had a fuck-up during a Bruce on-sale over the weekend. Apparently some people attempting to buy from the pre-sale got "accidentally" redirected to Ticketmaster's resale site where buyers sell their high demand tickets at a premium. Many fans cried "scam!" and got Ticketmaster to issue a statement offering to refund the difference to anyone who felt they bought from the resale site in error. Somewhere in here, the government decided to intervene and tell Ticketmaster they fucked up. That's good. Because it's not like there are more important problems the government should be addressing right now. Fuck, man - it's almost enough to make you become an anarchist at times.

My thoughts? Remember the good ol' days when it was "illegal" to resell tickets and you had to go to a "licensed ticket broker" like Night On The Town tickets. Do those places still exist? How is it possible to maintain the overhead to have an office like that when everyone and their mother is selling Miley Cyrus tickets through eBay, Craigslist, StubHub, or some other online store? Oh, the story - nah, I doubt Ticketmaster really tried to defraud people. I'm sure it's just another in a long line of historic Ticketmaster fuckups. Hey, remember when Pearl Jam told Ticketmaster to fuck off over their huge service charges? I sure do. Every time I pay those service charges for any show - especially Pearl Jam. Can't fight City Hall.


'90s Pop Star May Add Drama To New 'Survivor'
The facts are these - Tamara "Taj" Johnson, formerly of SWV, is going to be on the next Survivor.

My thoughts? Two come to mind. 1) Who is the dopey ass "journalist" writing these headlines and having the nerve to call this chick a "star?" Talk about writing a headline only for the click-through. This fucker's no better than on those shitty wrestling newz sites that have headlines like, "HOGAN AT WRESTLEMANIA!" only to find out when you click through that Reliant Stadium has a janitor named Steve Hogan who will be cleaning up some spilled beer after the show. The other? Does anyone still fucking watch Survivor? I'm sorry for all the swearing tonight. I'm feeling a little cranky.


Era of $60 Video Games May Be Ending
The facts are these - some older video game titles had their prices cut for the holidays and then didn't go back up after the holidays ended. But all the other "news" in this article says they expect new titles to keep their higher price point.

My thoughts? What the fuck was the point of this story? How slow of a news day is it? You wrote an article teasing lower video game prices only to state straight-away that there's basically no fucking chance that's happening?


Baseball Commissioner's Surprisingly Large Salary
The facts are these - I'm sure most people have read this one by now. Bud Selig - yes, the Bud Selig who had a World Series cancelled on his watch... yep, also the one who let an All-Star Game end in a tie... yes, the one who let the steroid saga spiral all out of control until the U.S. Government had to intervene [another fantastic use of their time by the way]... he's been paid a shitload of money. Just shy of 18 million in 2007 to be precise.

My thoughts? I thought the fucker was overpaid when I thought he was getting paid a shitload less. No wonder he's stalled so long in leaving the job he said he'd leave ages ago. My other thought? Did anyone else hear the talk that Bush might take the Commissioner job he's always wanted when Selig steps down? And did anyone else have total faith that MLB would be bankrupt and invading Iran a few months after he gets the gig? He already fucked up the country - do we really need him fucking up our National Pastime as well?


NBA Adds H-O-R-S-E To All-Star Weekend
The facts are these - after getting absolutely drilled by the sports media over the past few years for how awful they've allowed the fun parts of the All Star Game to slip, the NBA is scrambling to become hip again. Of course, they once had Hall And Oates perform at an All Star Game so I have little hope that David Stern will suddenly be street.

My thoughts? This could be a lot of fun although the "no dunking" rule already makes me a little annoyed. However, I fully expect that the NBA will be unable to compel their big stars to compete in this - just like the Slam Dunk contest - and it will probably suck balls. But all is not lost because where else besides All Star Weekend can I see Bill Laimbeer tossing up half-court shots competitively?


You know... I just don't think I can do the rest of these.

There's a story about the FBI searching the home of a man linked to poisoning Tylenol in 1982.

1982?

Seriously?

OJ really MIGHT find Nicole's killer before the fuzz.

There's another one about Russia wanting to help the U.S. in Afghanistan while spouting lots of anti-U.S. rhetoric and making strong demands of the Obama administration. I swear to God, these two countries just aren't happy unless the threat of global annihilation hangs over us all. I hope we didn't mothballs all the air raid sirens. But with all the movies and such that have been made about nuclear wars, do you think we can still convince people they'd survive a nuclear strike if they got under their desk and covered their head with their arms?

The last one is just so damn awful, it doesn't even merit discussion. It's such a disgusting yet dead-on-balls-accurate statement of society as a whole, I don't even think I can joke about it.

Well, I probably could but...

Let's let it speak for itself.

The ex-husband of one of the nine people killed at a Christmas Eve party in Covina has received demands from a landlord to pay the dead woman's rent.

Broadcrest Foothill Apartment Homes claims Alicia Ortiz broke her lease on an Upland apartment when she and her 17-year-old son were killed by her sister's disgruntled ex-husband. The landlord informed her former husband, Carlos Ortiz, that she gave "insufficient notice to vacate." The company says it is owed $2,821 in rent and penalties.

Insert your own punchline.... HERE!